Going on the Instinct
Right on command
Back into the archive for a photo. This was from late 2023, just after the Women’s World Cup. I pulled over in my car to take it. There was something so lovely about it, made me want to live in this street. I imagined this life where I have two young girls that love soccer, want to be just like Sam Kerr. One weekend we head out for supplies then we make the banner together.
I’ve been singing in the car a lot more than usual. The heat has loosened up the vocal cords. I’m singing mostly about whatever I happen to see has I drive past. Last week, I saw a family mid bike ride on the side of the road, they’d stopped for a break along Bell street. Bell street is busy, cars are rushing past; I’m in one of them. I see them long enough to take them in, smiling, they’re on a family bike ride. For the rest of my drive I find myself singing about the family on a bike ride. Family Bike Ride! We don’t know where we’re going, but as long as we’re together, that’s all that matters.
I recorded myself singing it which you can listen to here.
I logged back into twitter looking for a tweet I wanted to make into a bit for stage. I came across this post about a house show gig I performed at in 2021 before we hit the second lockdown.
More shows like this would not happen in Melbourne, at least not in comedy. As cool as it was, I realise it was a time and place thing, put on by some fun people out of necessity. It’s just that it felt very fucking cool for a second. It gave me that feeling of performing at house shows in my old band and going to see hardcore bands in houses around Melbourne in the late 00’s and 2010’s.
I felt like there was this sense of hope after covid within the comedy scene, maybe we could let our guard down for a moment; just enjoy and do things sincerely. Possibly I’m just not in the right spot for it, but there was this feeling I can’t quite grasp. Maybe I romanticised this house show gig. Did it make me feel like I was at the forefront of expression, I’d be doing my art in homes, in cafes, in the speakeasy! Did I just do a fun gig once? I think there is this pang of regret that I haven’t created something within the comedy scene that’s more meaningful, but I’m not sure why that weighs on me or if it’s even true.
I almost threw out these linen sheets, I had them on my bed when you slept in it. I realised I had been in a funk, flannel sheets on my bed for too long; self pity evident. A backlog of washing, multiple glasses and coffee mugs scattered on my desk, some surfaces with a coat of dust. I open windows, the room taking a deep breath of fresh air in. As I go to change the sheets, make the bed with clean linen sheets, flooding back momentarily, the times you tell me every part of you is all mine. These linen sheets worn soft now from wash after wash, comforting, cool against the skin in summer. It feels silly now, to deprive myself of nice linen sheets when they no longer held such weight. It feels silly now, I almost threw out these linen sheets, I had them on my bed when you slept in it.
Jan 8th - Post Office - I hadn’t done this gig before, run by some open mic comics on the edge of St Kilda. Didn’t have high hopes for this one, when it started there were more comics than audience. To my surprise, it was actually great, small crowd, but they were up for it. Perfect for the new stuff I was going to run. I’m trying this new bit, taking about something personal which I’ve been resisting talking about on stage, and I definitely clammed up a bit. It was interesting to that after 10 years of performing, a new topic/area can throw you. It felt good to do it, but definitely needed to be more written out before I try it again.
Jan 8th - theory bar - This was one of those gigs where I definitely should have bailed on it, at least that’s how I felt at the time. The crew that run it did a great job, but I felt like the crowd was a little exhausted by the time I got on closing the show. I had to wait for a bit to get on, but I ran into this improvisor I know, Lucy, who was having a drink out the front. We chatted about where our careers are at, she told me she was doing some directing on a few stand up shows. It’s always nice to chat to people slightly adjacent to what you do in a similar field. Right before I went on, I chatted to Bron Kuss who was also on, she told me some good news about a new job. When I got on, it went fine, could have been my lack of energy too. I think in the first half before I got there one audience member had been talking a lot so kinda burnt people. Gigs like this do serve there purpose. When the crowd is tired they can’t think too much, you’re reminded your premises and punchlines need to be super clear to get through that.
Jan 11th - HBI - Trial Show - I’ve been doing these split trials with different comics over the last while at Near and Far, this little bar in Fitzroy. This one was with Bron Kuss as well. We got a decent amount of people in for the tiny room it’s in. I didn’t write heaps about the gig right after it happened so in my head I chalked it up to going fine, but I think it went better than I’m willing let myself admit. We both did 25 mins each, but this room was had sunlight streaming in, so not idea for stand up, but you work with what you’ve got.
I had about a week off from gigs, mostly due to the way I booked things. It made me antsy not having much in the calendar. I was meant to have a gig on Sunday the 17th, but it got cancelled. Instead on Sunday afternoon, I met up with Adam Knox, a good mate and comedian. We caught up then talked through my new show for 4 hours or so. It was nice to try to break down the show with someone else. He’s agreed to direct the show which I’m stoked about. It’s my first time working with a director, and I’m excited to see where we can take the show having another set of eyes on it.
I signed up to Masterclass, my Mum sent me a “guess pass”, but it’s really just a link to a free trial. One had caught my eye, James Cameron’s guide to filmmaking. Last week I found myself watching a YouTube video about why the script to Terminator 3 ended up the way it did, when do I think this information will come in handy? I’m halfway through the James Cameron break down on scenes from The Terminator, Aliens, and more, I’m learning a lot, but man, you realise what a scam Masterclass is. They really are simply elevated podcasts. Anyway the next one I’m going to watch is this:
The title and subtitle for this newsletter comes from the song Going on the Instincts by Osker. Their album Idle Will Kill is one of those albums where I repeat the cycle of forgetting about for a while then can’t stop listening for a month or so.
Chat to you next time x
Keep singing in the car
i like your poetry.