100 Resolutions
This is our year for sure
I’m waiting for 2 rolls of film to get developed, Hillvale where I get them done is on holidays until the 12th Jan. I feel like one roll is complete dogshit, but hey, that’s the beauty of film (I keep telling myself). I wanted to start this with a photo, so here is one I took of my housemate Dan’s greyhound Kylie from a while ago.
“FUCKING HELL” - me reading my substack back to myself 2 hours after posting it and realising I’ve left in 3-4 spelling and syntax mistakes that are BURNING a hole in people’s inboxes.
I asked my friend stacey roberts how I could get better at proof reading. She suggested I reread the article backwards to catch the mistakes, to trick my brain into not skipping over anything important. She also suggested I could decide if I’m the type of person that needs to get things out or if I’m the kind of person that wants to put out perfect articles (sorry if I’m misquoting you, Stackers), and that really hit for me, putting it that clearly. Folks, I’m the former.
Basically I put this in to make myself feel better about getting work out there and there being mistakes :)
Here is my review of my sets so far this year. I’m preparing for comedy fest, trying to do as much new material as possible, but balancing that with wanting to have good sets/maintain reputation. My goal this year is take more risks on stage and bomb well to find a new path for myself in comedy; rather than sticking to with old material that is very tested, but not progressing. I was able to do this for parts of 2025, but it’s a habit that requires a lot of focus and in my first three gigs, I’ve done that about 50% of the time. ‘Tis a process.
Jan 4th - Sunday Voltaire - First spot of the year, didn’t prep super well, went first, and got off on the wrong foot with the crowd. My set was actually fine, but flatter than you’d like and needed to bring more energy. I could feel myself sulking while still on stage, at one point asked “what do you what to hear about?” to the crowd and some old cunt in the front row goes “venezuela” and added some comment about coke, really pissed me off, but mostly annoyed at myself for not being more prepared so I could CUT HIM DOWN.
Jan 5th - Bergy/Funny Near The Brunny - Went well. Great vibe at the brunny, but was nervous before going on, still shaking off some of the sting from the night before. This is quietly one of the better gigs in Melbourne. Glen Zen who runs and host the gig starts it off so calmly, understated that you feel at ease to try new stuff and experiment, without taking the piss. Did short version of DVD bit to get them going, then worked on cooking at home, air fryer, Japan-Dali-Diary and brought back to older unfinished bits solo camping, and no porn (won’t be explaining my bit names). Had a chat with Andrew Portelli out the front about the state of the Melbourne comedy scene (bad) and trying to collectivise when it comes to editing and producing content for socials (hard). I don’t think we reach a solid conclusion, was it was good to vent and catch up.
Jan 6th - Comedy Republic Bar Show - Had a lot of fun. Had a good chat with Mish Wittrup before the show started, we hadn’t gigged together before and only really had walked past each other at Humdinger Studios where we both record podcasts. I was hosting the night, crowd was super up for it, lot of people still on summer holidays. Up top as MC did as much crowd work as possible and a couple of older bits to settle them in, plus one newer bit. DVD bit, cooking at home, Muay Thai. Felt like I really got them. Second half did some newer stuff that I was really happy with, Japan-Dali-Diary, Orgasms and one other. Forgot to record, but felt in the pocket. Fave gig of the year so far :)
I was away for a friend’s birthday with a group of people, around 2013, we were all drunk most of the trip. I was so drunk one night, I spent 30 mins talking to myself in the bathroom mirror. The swill brought the swirling mind into the real world. Pointing to myself in the mirror, “you need to sort yourself the fuck out”; a self loathing self made real with an audience of only me. I don’t know if I was ever angry drunk with anyone expect myself. Later that same night, I tried to explain to the friends how my mind works “I have a thousand thoughts racing through my head all the time”, “You can get help with that you know” my friend Nicole said. “I kinda like it” I replied not really considering the alternative (cut to an ADHD diagnosis in 2020).
It’s been over a year since I had an alcoholic drink. It’s the second time in my life I’ve had a break of more than a year, the last time was September 2021-September 2022. This time I’ve decided to stick to it. It’s not without its challenges. No one has point blank asked me why, I think there is an assumption that I was an alcoholic, I can’t say if that’s true or if I would even be willing to admit that to myself. I would go months without drinking, and it not bother me, but when I drank I really drank. Sure there would be a mid week beer at a gig, and I’d drive home, but there would be those times, ending up in some cunt’s kitchen at 8am finishing the bag. That wasn’t every week, but it happened often enough over the years. Between music and comedy scenes there is always the opportunity.
Like so many others, so much of how I socialise is tied up in alcohol. I realise now it’s not so much the socialising, but more dating and anything vaguely romantic/flirting. I think I’m almost relearning what that is. Was I any good at that that stuff beforehand? I think I was, I do okay for myself, but it would always be that sort of tipsy text to kick things off or that moment in the bar where I had that bit of extra courage to make a move. I feel like I’m starting again, there is also a bit of self loathing attached to it, having to do this at all at 38 and not being in something stable/long term. I realised I’m very much holding myself back. Not having that safety net of being a bit tipsy, my mind/body is very unsure.
I watched Bruce Springsteen: Deliver Me From Nowhere over the weekend. The film is unfortunately a two and half star, which is shame because Jeremy Allen White’s performance is five star. Despite the clunky script, the story about feeling stuck and needing to find who you are hit home. It might be I thought a mid life crisis would be further away. My Mum and I got into a small tiff/arguement while I was visiting over Christmas, I’m not really sure what about. Something about leaving me be or letting me sort myself out (I think I said I was capable of making my own sandwich. There is a thread here about not being able to let people care for me, but we don’t have time to pull it this edition). In response/jab back she said “You’ve been alone for too long”; she would say this one more time during the trip. Maybe I need to go off into the woods and write my Nebraska.
Lately, I’m carrying this feeling that I thought things would have fallen into place a bit more than they have. I feel so grateful for so much in my life, and I know so many things come from continued hard work, but I’ll scare myself every so often that it could all fall in a heap very quickly; I can’t ignore the complacency on my behalf. I think I’m moving in the right direction now, but I’m seeking the feeling of relief from the constant churning (the grind if you will). I think the choice to not drink is a line in the sand for myself, a positive one, but with that comes a fear, a fear of the unknown; a change of identity and an acceptance of reality as it is.
This week, I was trying to get my hands on some flavoured toothpicks, you can buy them on amazon. They are expensive for what they are, and there is an alarm bell going off in your head the whole time that this is a stupid product to buy. I found an article about making them yourself, but you have to buy the essence food oils to flavour the toothpicks. Once I was on the website looking at buying the oil to flavour the sticks myself, I felt a deep sense of shame and closed the website. I think I’ll forget the whole thing.
If Lord of the Rings was made now you’d be able to see Liv Tyler’s nipples.
That’s a tweet I’d make if I still posted on twitter. I watched all 4 extended cuts of LOTR over the Christmas break. No phone, pure Middle Earth. More songs, they talk about smoking the leaf heaps more, crazy stuff.
Here is a tweet I did make about Rings of Power when I was watching that.
The title and subtitle of this edition of the newsletter comes from the song One Hundred Resolutions by Sundowner (an acoustic version of the Lawrence Arms song by the singer guitarist Chris McCaughan). It was a song I’d listen to a lot around 2009/2010. I haven’t through about it for a long time, but I was thinking about new years songs and this was one that meant a lot to me at a certain time in my life.
Chat to you next time x
i liked how this piece was written in a non-linear format, really interesting way to write. i relate to the stopping drinking and realising it was a bit of a crutch socially, that was one of the main reasons i stopped. i think being neurodivergent, i was masking in ways i didn’t even realise. and there’s a kind of comfort in knowing that the people i meet or socialise with are getting to see me as i actually am, rather than who i wanted to present myself as, if that makes sense. and it means i’ve been able to build the things that i felt drinking afforded to me - courage, confidence, stuff like that. anyway, another great read!
This was a great read chur